HEALTH AND SAFETY
© Andrew Watts

We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas, from Health and Safety

Now Caesar Augustus as records do tell
Made great proclamation as many know well
But it was not a census that he did decree
But a full scale inspection of health and safety.

Health and safety, health and safety
And We wish you a merry Christmas, from Health and Safety

So Joseph took Mary to Bethlehem town
But when they got there not a room could be found
The Inkeeper stood there – a right jolly feller
Saying ‘Sorry, we’re shut down, they’ve found salmonella’

Salmonella, Salmonella,
And We wish you a merry Christmas, don’t catch salmonell-a!

The shepherds were watching and doing no harm
They’d built a big fire to keep themselves warm
When down came an angel, cried ‘Get back to town!’
It’s a no smoking zone, you could burn the place down

Burn the place down, Burn the place down,
And We wish you a merry Christmas, don’t burn the place down!

Three Wise Men came travelling from lands afar
They were looking for presents down in the bazaar
But on all the fine gifts that the sages could see
Were the words ‘small parts not suitable for children under three’

Children under three, Children under three,
And We wish you a merry Christmas; Children under three

(Spoken) ‘Oh well I suppose we could always give him some myrrh’
‘How about frankincense’
‘Gold always comes in handy’

So shepherds and wise men arrive at the stable
The cattle are lowing we tell you no fable
Sweet Mary is there with the babe on her knee
There are angels – and it’s all thanks to Health and Safety.

So as you prepare to celebrate that most auspicious day
We recommend you pay attention to this health and safety warning
which we are about to play.

Don’t kiss under the mistletoe, it might fall on your head
And if your turkey’s undercooked you’ll probably end up dead
Don’t put out the holly it can give a nasty prick
And don’t eat any Christmas cake it’s bound to make you sick!

Careful with the tinsel there’s a risk of strangulation
Flaming Christmas pudding fumes can cause asphyxiation
Careful with those hot mince pies, you’ll burn your bottom lip’
Look out! That wrapping paper on the floor will make you slip!

Robins and reindeer spread diseases
Snow will give you coughs and sneezes
Pulling crackers will sprain your wrist
Beer and wine will get you pissed
Rubber balloons will cause a rash,
Decorations – down they crash
Brandy butter is bad for your heart
Brussels sprouts will make you – very healthy!

Put the candles back in the box they’re going to cause a fire,
And put the Christmas lights away you might trip over the wire,
You could choke on nuts and raisins, go to casualty
You could dislocate your hip erecting the Christmas tree!

Ban the bells, they make us deaf with all their merry ringing,
We don’t want laryngitis, so ban the carol-singing,
So on Christmas morning when you raise your sleepy head
There’ll be nothing at all to celebrate and you can stay in bed!